My life in Ruins…

Tonight I sit in my living room an emotional WRECK!!! Not that being pregnant is helping that fact… But when the world hits.. it hits HARD!!

To know that God is in control is an under statement. Because that is evident. There is just this side of me that wants to TAKE the control. Not because I feel like I can do it better. But because I want it NOW. Like the little selfish rich girl in Willy Wonka and her famous song about wanting the Goose that lays the golden Eggs “… I want today… I want tomorrow..”

I want answers. I want fixes.

But I NEED Jesus.

I NEED his guidance.

Although I feel like everything is crumbling underneath me at this very moment, I know God has control regardless.

I have no idea where this quote came from but it is what I am sticking to for quite awhile.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change,  courage to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference.”

AMEN

And then He spoke

Well, so I thought. I’m not sure.

See, I’m debating. Whether or not God spoke to me. Cause I thought he did. I thought his plan for me was clear. But then someone else “spoke”… and my thoughts changed.

Have you ever felt that way? Confident in what you thought God was saying to you… and then, It changes.

Usually, me and God are pretty clear. In a sense, I know in my heart what to do. Sometimes he puts you in uncomfortable positions to make you want to get out. But not this time. There was not discomfort, no uneasy feeling, just what I thought, was clarity.

But it’s not. Not this time.

See, here’s my dilemma. I’m in between what to do with my life RIGHT NOW. Not down the road. I know what God has for me down the road. This is just for now. I have a job that I love. The hours are not great, nor is the pay, but who cares?? When your in a “happy place” for the most part, all the time, you don’t question it. But then when the opportunity to have an actual career of something else that you love comes by, you want that too. I told my husband that I am to dedicated to, to many things, and therefore, I only want one job. Good pay or not. As long as I’m happy.

But what happens when your happy with both things. I got a taste of a career that I dream of, and I work at I place that I DO love.

Is God ever unclear? NO… we, as humans doubt or debate God when he speaks. The bible says that his voice is like THUNDER! And he does things that we will never understand. Yet, we think we understand and we know what’s best or whatever.

Anyways, God is speaking… I’m just having a hard time listening. Just because not only do I want what is best for me, but for my family as well.

Listening… we try, we fight about it, we contemplate it, we love it, we hate it… Listening is more then just hearing, BUT DOING. To make an effort to hear something. Effort… something done by exertion or hard work.

Listening takes effort, hard work, and an attempt to make sense of it all. And Doing something about it.

I’m listening, quitely, or loudly… how ever you see it… but I’m listening