I have been brewing over this post for some time now. Being MIA and not telling the whole world what is going on with us is new grounds for me and a bit on the humbling side.
In these last 2 months my family, BJ, Sage and Myself, have been threw a whirlwind of emotions, physical pain, personal weaknesses, and extreme growth. I would have nowhere to begin in telling you what all has happened, and as of now, we don’t have an end. Let me start off with a few things that will help you understand and then I will get to my big HOORA! (So hang in there. It ain’t short 🙂 )
About 8 months ago BJ and I started to hit rock bottom. Our marriage was not what we had dreamed it to be and our communication was sparse. We had many nights of tears and disbelief that we were becoming “one of those couples” and not willing to fight for us anymore because there was no fight left in us. As months went on we put on our happy faces around family & friends and at home became hermit crabs. Through this struggle I had started to battle EXTERME self defeat. I had never hit such a low, personally, until this point. I had no self worth, no love to give but to Sage, and I was emotionally drained on a regular basis. I was borderline depressed. We know now that our relationship and marriage centered around totally different things at the time. We did not trust the Lord as much as we claimed and we were always trying to “fix” each other instead of ourselves. To make a long story short, we were highly encouraged to seek help and so we did. With encouragement, prayer, and determination we are finally on the up and up. There is more to this story but let me move on.
In the last year and a half we have been talking about moving to Westfield, Indiana to be apart of a new church with Brad and Lisa Ruggles called Imagine church. While I was pregnant with sage, in December of ’09, we told Brad and Lisa that we were for sure going to be moving down and started this journey with them. We had no clue where it was going to start at that point, and no idea what that meant (to us or them). We were ready and willing… and then Sage was born. Having a baby changed everything. You never realize how much you need and depend on your family until they are within reach of you. Moving 2 hours seemed like light years away. So then, the battle begins. For the last year and a half our constant battle was BJ not wanting to move due to family and not wanting to start brand new in having to relocate, and me being more then upset that I KNEW God called us there and this (saying no) was the “easy way out”. We left our home church thinking that would be a great push out the door and still… we stayed. Going down to Westfield on a regular basis didn’t make it any easier. At this point our marriage was struggling and we didn’t want anything to do with more responsibility. When we started counseling we ended our trips to Indy for the time being. We had come to a few realizations, things that needed to change in us before we would be ready to help start a brand new church. One being the obvious, our marriage. How would we love on other couples and minister if we, ourselves, were broken? Secondly, I, Cherith, had to come to terms with: What if we didn’t move? Would I be ok with God and BJ? Would I hold a grudge or allow God to use us no matter where we were? Lastly, BJ coming to terms with change. Being ok with a new territory that he has never been too and starting fresh with a new home, new friends and practically a new life. God really knows how to answer prayers and he does that in a way that is least expected. As months passed, I had a revelation with God and he gave me such a peace about staying home. Sending us to a God fearing Church to teach us, and bringing me closer to BJ and making me realize how much I need him. God also did a huge work in BJ’s Life. At one point, BJ came to me and said “I really think I am being like Jonah! Running from God and what he has called me to be! I do not want to be like that! I know what God wants for us!” And there begins our new journey…
As months went on God really started to show himself more, in our lives personally and in our marriage. Although we still had our struggles we were getting better at communicating and praying harder than ever before. During this journey we had decided that any drastic change, like another baby, was not needed. We had a lot to decide and go through before adding a new life.
But God had other plans….
In May I had started to feel like I did with Sage, moody, hungry and beyond tired, and low and behold, we were having a baby! When BJ came home I had Sage walk to him in a new outfit stating that she was going to be a big sister! We laughed all night and were in disbelief. We didn’t tell most people but close family. With the fears of losing a baby I just had a feeling to not tell many people. For the next three weeks our marriage did a complete 180 (for the better)!!!! I cannot begin to explain to you the peace and joy that came into this home, but it was there. It surrounded us. And we were thrilled. Flash back real quick to the week before we found out. BJ was offered a new position at ADP in the Indianapolis office. One that had high hopes for change and growth. We know, without a doubt, that if I found out I was pregnant before this offer; he would not have taken it. God had his hand in the whole thing. (He knows us so well 😉 )
7 weeks into the pregnancy we had come to terms that this was the beginning to our new life. A new baby and a possible move were in the works. We were thrilled and more than nervous. One night, before I went to bed, I realized that something wasn’t right with my body. Waking in the middle of the night in extreme fear, I went to the ER. With my mom by my side (BJ was home with Sage, I did not want to wake her), it was confirmed that I had lost the baby. I can go into details and all that had happened, but I will save that for another time. Losing a baby is something that I would NEVER wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. AS “normal” as it may be for woman to lose a child, it is not normal for me. BUT, we serve a great God who is full of peace. That night that I lost the baby I heard God speak to me… “Remember that name you had picked out for another girl? Well, this was her. Her name is Jovie. Remember what her name means? Joy! Although this baby’s life was short, she had a purpose. Never forget what she did for you. She brought your marriage back together and brought joy and peace into your home.”
That baby was and is so loved. She, like Sage, did something for this family. Sage united my sister-in-law and I and Jovie united BJ and I. Physically, I went through (and am still going thru) A LOT! I ended up having to have a D&C and now am battling an infection of some sort (not from the surgery… we are still trying to figure it out).
With sorrow comes joy.
In these last 3 weeks, after losing Jovie, we have had some MAJOR triumphs! BJ confirmed his new job in Indy and we are now in the process of selling our home and finding a new one! BJ also has worked EXTREMELY hard and God has abundantly blessed us and is sending us to Presidents club for the 5th year in a row. Can I just take a moment and tell you… I was practically BEGGING God for this trip!!! With all that has taken place we need a vacation! Goodness…. And as far as my job goes with Thirty-One, God has blessed that and I am seeing the flood gates open and I am THRILLED!
I didn’t write this post in hopes for sadness, but to show joy! God is so good, people. If you have not had an encounter of grace, love, mercy, peace and all good things, HOLD ON TIGHT!! It still blows our mind every day where we are headed. Although we are scared to death, we are so excited!!! Personal growth is a hard thing to grasp and in turn, be ok with. Change is hard. Being a God fearing person is hard. LIFE IS HARD! (If it were easy would we grow?!)
We are excited to share in this new chapter of our lives with you. Thanks for hanging in there and reading it all. I promise, I won’t do this… all the time 😉
If you have any questions at all about our journey, miscarriage, move, church planting… please ask. We (or I) are open books. Sometime later I want to open up more about baby Jovie, but I still cry thinking about her. So I will save that for another time.
Thank you for all support, prayers, love and encouragement. Don’t stop. There is only more to come with The Carpenters!
Until then… xoxo