WTH??! I’m 30!!!!!!

The day is here my friends. I am no longer apart of the “young crowd”. I have officially caught up to those that considered me young and stumbled into my 30’s.

Honestly, It feels very unreal. I have always been the youngest in every group format of my life. I have also always FELT the youngest! Whether I didn’t understand jokes or it was the pure fact that everything went over my head. You would think that by now I would have a few lessons up my sleeve. Some grand story to tell about my 20’s but really, although a lot happened, I feel like I am just starting to learn! My vail of an ego lifted about 2 years ago and I started to realize that I REALLY didn’t know everything. I barely knew what it meant to be an adult. I had a small glimpse of what it meant to be responsible but all in all, now that I have it, it’s a dang JOB to think and act like a responsible adult!

In the past year I have been on this… for lack of better words, Journey, to really figure out who I am. What I stand for, what my beliefs are, what I want out of my life and to make sure that I am happy along the way. I have realized that I prioritized things that I shouldn’t have and put aside the things that actually really matter to me. I struggled with the thought that all I was, was a stay at home mom. I didn’t know what I had to offer if God forbid, my role had to change. Where would I work? What would my resume look like? I often cared about how people thought of me. If how they gossiped about me was how I envisioned it. Did they care or where they ruthless? I was recently talking to a good friend and I quickly realized that although I want to learn to be comfortable in who I am, I also want to be able to evolve and be better. Learn from the  mistakes that I make and grow into a better human being…. be a better friend. Growth is something that not everyone desires but in fact we could all use a little bit of it.

I also wonder what my girls think of me or how they will remember me. Did they see me love their daddy enough or do they remember more bickering? Do they feel loved enough that when we are apart they can still feel me kissing their cheek & whispering in their ears ‘I love you‘ ?  I want to be that leading example that I am called to be yet have a comfort in knowing I am doing my best and they will be just fine.

30 is hard, dang it. You think you know so much and then BAM! out comes this wisdom and you don’t know how to handle it. Quiet frankly I don’t want it! I don’t want to grow up knowing more responsibility comes with it. Once upon a time I was so looking forward to turning 21 and now I am so desperately wondering how I can get back to that. Redo a few things in my life that I messed up. All I keep wondering is… What the HELL WAS I THINKING?????

::deep sigh::

I really want to embrace my 30’s. I don’t really know what to do with it but nonetheless I want to do them justice. I am sure that the next 10 years I will have my chance to make mistakes and learn from them. In the same breathe my every bone desires to just walk in confidence… be brave. Honestly, I’m not there yet. There is comforting in knowing its coming though.

My poor husband… he has been oh so patient with this growing girl. A beautiful 5 year age gap is nothing to brag about as I have had so much to learn. God love him for sticking it out… hopefully he see’s some light now that its here. I have some amazing people in my life, too. People that are filled with grace and are willing to hold my hand (or slap it :)) and challenge me along the way.

So Cheers to my 30’s! I hope I make them proud…